Today I listened to the Moth blog and one of the stories was about a woman who lost control. She lost control of her life and of her mind, of everythings she knew, this got me thinking about a topic that is really quite important and extremely relevant to my life, mental health.
It's strange to write the phrase 'mental health' because it automatically conjures up an image in my head of a large thermometer style instrument that measures just how well you are doing in the happiness department. If such an instrument existed mental health would probably have a lot less stigma. It's been said numerous times that mental health is so difficult an illness to deal with because there are very few outward signs, people can function when depressed, they carry on existing and unless you really want to look you won't find what you need to. This is nothing new, many a blogger, doctor and writer has tried to convey this. That the battle going on beneath the surface can be far more terrifying than a broken arm.
Personally for me, it's JK Rowlings dementors in the Harry Potter series that represent depression in a very physical way(and no this is not just because I am a massive Harry fan, ok maybe a little to do with my JK fan girling but that's for another blog). The dementors that are meant to suck the happiness out of you, make you remember every bad memory and bit by bit turn you into a shell, eventually administering their kiss and leaving you empty. It is no surprise to me that I was truly terrified of the dementors when I first read the books and still now thinking of these creatures gives me shivers. I suppose I should be happy that the physical incarnations of this idea don't exist but for me, as for JK Rowling and many others, they do exist and the fight to find a happy enough memory to keep them at bay can be a daily struggle.
I can't remember the first time I felt truly depressed, it's always been there, lurking in the background of my life ready to leap out at any opportunity life presents it. This is not a woe is me story, I know that this is just part of who I am. When I asked my mother what I was like as a child she paused for quite some time and finally responded with the comment 'deep'. I've always been a thinker. Not in an 'I'm awesome and clever' kind of way but in a 'likely to analsye every single thing until my brain won't take it anymore' kind of way. It is not a surprise to my family that I have problems sleeping, when I was a child I would lay there in my bed and say goodnight in my head, I would start off with the normal ones, family, friends, pets but then I would worry that I'd left someone out, I would go on and on saying good night to the city, country, world, sky, stars, moon, sun (even though it had already gone to sleep way before me) and eventually universe and anything beyond that. I was terrified that someone would feel bad if I left them out of my goodnights, the ones I was saying in my head. I was about 5 when this happened. Around the same time I would also have overwhelming waves of panic that something was going to happen to my nan, to the point where I would crawl into her bed sobbing and shaking. Depression is part of what has made me who I am today. Would I wish for a life without it? Possibly but probably not. I would not have the people in my life who I have now. I may have scars but the connections mean more and will last longer than any pain from any razor could.
From Sylvia Plath to Elizabeth Wurtzel, from Kurt Cobain to Aaron Lewis and so many more depression is alive in writing and alive in the arts. So many of the songs that I relate to having sinister undertones, depression to me was interesting. Who wanted a cookie cutter life and I used to think that cookie cutter meant california moods. The sunshine disposition for me was bland and maybe that's why I gravitated towards the music, art and literature that I did but now, well now I'm realising that just because happiness doesn't have as many ups and downs as depression it is not the sunshine monotomous life that I envisinged. Happiness means you can enjoy things. It's that simple. It means that you don't feel bad about yourself and you don't want to hurt yourself or cut yourself off from other people. It means that rather than exist I can live.
I will always have to fight my own mind. I know this, it's something that I've accepted as part of my character but I've also accepted that I will come out of the otherside of these phases. I would love to say that suicidal thoughts won't cross my mind again but I can't make that assumption. I would like to assume that now I have the capabilities and support to ask for help. I don't think I'm that bad a person and as the story teller on the moth said today "the tiny place between broken places are filled with people's stories and that mosaic is strong". I am filled with the stories I've heard along the way, the people who trusted me enough to confide in me because they don't feel stupid talking to me. They know I've been there and I hear their stories like so many shining gems listened to mine.
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