BEDA 12: Oh energy where are you?

BEDA is starting to become a chore rather than something that I'm enjoying at the moment and I did consider stopping it but I am going to attempt to push through.
I've had a really nice couple of days seeing friends, we've had some natters and it's the one things that I've been missing the most working full time, having a boyfriend and trying to do projects as well as having some time to myself, needless to say it doesn't leave a lot of time to do much socialising, it's more just cabbaging on the couch when I get the chance. It's been so lovely to has this weekend off and to relax and chill out. I did have the hospital this morning which wasn't the greatest of things and I have to make an appointment in a week for the results. More tests, more issues, it's incredibly frustrating and I wasn't in the best of moods today but Hayley cheered me up and that was nice. We've booked our hotel and transport for Slamdunk so I'm looking forward to that next month

Ok I am out of energy and want to continue to read the Hunger Games as the games have just started. That shall be a book review once I'm finished! Although BEDA is being a little difficult at the moment (I have stuff to say it's just the energy in which to say it) it has pushed me to blog more so it's achieved it's purpose.

Over and out.

BEDA 11: Wishlist.

Ok I failed miserably at BEDA and I am far too tired tonight to write a proper blog entry so I am going to do a 'what I want' blog. I shall write something proper tomorrow.

What: Trip to New York
Why: Because I love the city before I've even stepped foot on its pavement.

What: Mulberry Alexa Bag
Why: You need to ask. I have a love affair with satchels and I can't help but love Mulberrys Alexa. It's just so darn classic.

What: J Crew 'Blooming enamel and brass necklace'
Why: I just love it, it's on my birthday wish list from Liam. I adore the colour and it's just so darn pretty.

That'll do for now

BEDA 9: I solemnly swear that I am up to no good

"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"


I think it is time. This entry has been one that I've known I was going to write from the very beginning of BEDA. It's something that I've written about before right here and it's probably no doubt something I will write about again. This is my love for Harry Potter. I'm currently watching a programme about the final movie and the movie set tour that you can now do in London and as wonderful as that is (the movie sets are top of my list of things to do) it is not these things that I am talking about. It is the books. I was an avid reader when I was younger, a good story could transport me into other worlds and it often took other people several attempts to get through to me. Then there's the world that Harry Potter takes you to.
I can't quite explain to someone who isn't a complete fangirl of Harry Potter how much a book series can mean. They laugh and they dismiss it but they don't quite understand it. That's fine, if someone had told me before I started reading the series that I would listen to the same book series repeatedly every night, that a story would captivate me so much I would listen to podcasts all about it I wouldn't have believed that any set of books had that effect. I understand that their are stories that have left imprints on me but none so deep as Harry Potter. I love the magic, the complexity, the fact that the characters grown over the books and you see both good and bad sides of them. The parts in which we find out about Voldemorts childhood, his abandonment by his mother who chose to die of heartbreak rather than survive to raise him was a touch many writers would never think to add. A villian is a villian because he's evil right? The fact that both Harry and Voldemort are orphans but chose very different paths is one of the key parts to the wonderful story JK Rowling has created. Even the weak will of Albus Dumbledore and the bravery of Severus Snape shows us that these characters are not just easy read extras, that people are complicated and extrodinary.
A lot of Harry Potter deals with death and the pain of loss, it was something that I could identify with. I have already discussed how dark I found the dementors, their illustration of depression was so relatable to me, so close to how I felt. Something stealing the happiness away from me. These are not simple books, they are not always happy but I think that's why they're so wonderful to me, they feel (even with the magic) that this could happen, magic is not the most important thing in these books it is the people she creates, the emotions they feel and they love that runs through the books. Whether it be the love of a parent, friend or mentor love will always be the most powerful force.
JK Rowling creates wonderful characters but the thing she does most exquisitly is female characters. For too long women were seen as secondary characters, someone put there to look pretty and respond to the male characters with flattery and giggles but the female characters in Harry Potter are equal to if not more wonderful that the men. Hermione Granger, two words that to me mean intelligence, wit, compassion, a fiesty nature and a strong will. Let's be honest if this was real life and Harry had of been on that quest without Hermione he'd have been dead before you could say wingardium leviosa (which Hermione can say quite well thank you very much). Hermione didn't start out the prettiest of children, she was geeky and plain and just that bit goofy and that's something I will always be grateful for, because I was geeky and never felt as pretty as the other girls and Hermione Granger made that ok. It's not just Hermione that shines through in this though from Minerva Mcgonagall to Molly Weasley, Luna Lovegood in all her wonderful weirdness and even the sheer power of Bellatrix Lestrange, one of my favourite characters from the Potter series, females in this series are never put in the shadows, they shine.
I love these books, they take me away to another world, the stories make me smile during the bad times and bring me comfort. They reminded me when I was younger that it's ok to be weird, intelligent, fight for what you believe in and never ever forget that love is our most powerful trait against evil. The love that brings us together as Potter fans and makes people do awesome things in the name of Potter. Not only that but I will have these books, these stories for the rest of my life to read to my children, to pass on to people who I think will enjoy them and to cherish as part of my growing up, of becoming the person I am. And in the words of the wonderful Jo Rowling I know that Hogwarts will always be there to welcome me home.


Mischief managed.

BEDA 8: Links save the day.

Ok I'm feeling like crap so today I'm probably not gunna do any kind of insightful or even vaguely interesting blog, in fact just have a nice list of some blogs I like because I am far to ill and tired.

http://a-husband-for-a-carer.tumblr.com/
http://katherinehannaford.com/
http://dearscarlet.tumblr.com/
http://www.iwantyoutoknow.co.uk/
http://fashiontography.blogspot.co.uk/
http://www.littleglitter.org/
http://lifethroughsecrets.blogspot.co.uk/
http://www.sfgirlbybay.com/
http://kristinandkayla.blogspot.co.uk/
http://www.unstitchedblog.com/
http://www.thisbatteredsuitcase.com/
http://natalieslove.blogspot.co.uk/
http://apt2bbakingco.blogspot.co.uk/
http://www.postsecret.com/


My nose, head and body hurts. I am tired and I am fed up being sick.
So unimpressed. I promise tomorrow will be better, enjoy the other people's blogs who are much more interesting that me.

Beda 7: On the fields of anfield road

I am awful with technology. Today I have managed to break the second mouse button on my laptop. The click button had already broken but that was ok because I could use the touchpad, now I've broken the right click which means no copy and paste, no open in another tab and it is driving me mad. I have broken roughly four iphones, had one phone stolen out of my hand, sent an ipod touch swimming in my bag and broke my laptop so badly that I've had to pay £160 to get it fixed. It's like technology is allergic to me.

Anyway apart from breaking my laptop today I went and watched the Liverpool match in the pub. I don't normally watch the match in the pub as I can't stand back seat managers shouting their orders out to a team thats never going to hear but it wasn't on our tv channels (we have all but one...it was on that one). I've loved Liverpool since I was little, my family is a big footballing family and when I met Liam one of the first things I asked him was where his allegences fall, on the red side or the blue (no other team even crossed my mind...horrifying to find out at one point he was a Man united fan). It been difficult over the last couple of seasons, things haven't gone as well as we would like and it's often things off the pitch that are taking centre stage. The reputation of the club has definitely taken a beating this season and that makes me sad. People have long memories for the rubbish the papers sprout about Liverpool and it makes me sad that this season will be remembered for all the wrong reasons. I'll never stop loving Liverpool, I know some people are so frustrated at the moment and some of them are giving up and that's their choice but I could never imagine saying that's it.

I'm red until I die.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark

At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark

Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

BEDA 6.1: Before I go to sleep

I've been rubbish at reading lately, for the past six months reading hasn't been at the top of my agenda or anywhere on it to be fair. My lack of concentration tying me to any book started to annoy me. However when I was sick last week my mum did what my mum does best and bought me a book. I'd been after Before I go to sleep by SJ Watson for a while. I heard about it on the Richard and Judy podcast and the concept really interested me.

Before I go to sleep is one of those books that you cannot put down. It follows the story of Christine, when we meet Christine we find that due to some incident Christine lost her memory, not only this but she is unable to retain new memories, whenever she falls asleep the memories disappear. This means that Christine wakes up every morning not knowing the man lying next to her or why she is no longer the 20 something she thought she was, when she looks in the mirror now she meets a forty, nearly fifty year old with no history. Her husband then has to explain the basics of what has happened to her. As the book progresses the story is told through Christines journal which she is encouraged to keep by the young attractive Doctor Nash who is attempting to help her regain her memory. I don't really want to say too much about what we find out throughout the book in fear of spoiling the plot but the constant twists and turns in the plot kept me interested. I always thought I'd stop at the next chapter and find myself reading that bit more. Also I didn't completely work out the ending, I did get onto one bit but it wasn't in the same way as I was imaginging it. I love writers that have the ability to do that, keep you guessing until the very last minute.

It's well written and what I'd describe as an easy read, there's never a point where you wouldn't understand the language or feel that it's too complicated. With Christine having so much to focus on during the story her diaries feel like a rush of emotion that they would be. I can't imagine how confusing it must be to wake up every morning and not know where you are or who you are for that matter. I can imagine you must feel so robbed that such large parts of your life have been taken away from you.

The book definitely made me think about how our lives and personalities are made up. It's something that I've thought about before when looking at photographs. How much do our memories shift and alter over time and how much of what I remember is having an affect on how I act now. If I couldn't remember those things what kind of person would I be? You live and learn as many songs have sung but what happens if you have nothing to learn from? I did wonder in the book that as Christines memories started coming back would her personality change along with it? Her priorities and views would be manipulated by the things that she learns and the personal growth that comes with that.

All in all I found this to be a really interesting book, it kept me at the edge of my seat for the entire journey and constantly guessing the secrets. I would give it a 4 out of 5, definitely something I would recommend!

Beda 6:Opps

So I missed a day. I didn't expect to be missing a say so early in the challenge but I came in last night and went to sleep thinking a nap would help. I then woke up and hour and a half later with a full on cold hating on me and destroying any chance of a clear head. I then preceded to eat dinner, watch CSI and go back to bed. Fun right? My body absolutely hates me and I have the worst immune system going and working in an office with recycled air thats a breeding ground for disease doesn't really help. Anyway enough excuses I am going to attempt to do two blog posts today. One now at 2:15pm and one later on so at least I've kind of attempted to make it up.

I now have 10 days off work to do with whatever I want (unimpressed that one of them is going to be on the couch trying to get rid of this hideous cold). I think I need the break away from work, everything in there seems to be getting to me at the moment. It can be childish and stressful and just plain unnecessary. I have taken to walking around muttering 'drama-lama' repeatedly whenever anything goes off. It's not positive stress and if I am going to have a job that stresses me out I at least want to have something that benefits me too (and not just financially).

Right this is going to have to be it. I don't have any more energy for now and I am going to spend the day recovering, reading and relaxing.
Ciao

BEDA 4: Oh Mother, Oh Bother.

I've been told a lot that I am born to be a mother. My body disagrees.

This blog came as a response to another [Here] talking about the joy of being a mother and the pain of those people who are left to deal with the fact that they will never have their own children no matter how much they crave it. I can't help but think of the term 'smug marrieds' from Bridget Jones when I think about this. There is something very cruel about the fact that mothers complain about juggling their job with their children and having their own time when the option for some women has been very definitely removed. I would never deny that yes that can be difficult, it can be exhausting but the payouts surely outweigh the negatives, the love a mother feels from her child is like no other. Women who find themselves unable to have children don't get these payouts, they don't get to carry the child, feel them grow inside them and know that this child is a combination of them and (usually) the person they love the most in the world. Mother will never be a label they'll be known by and for many that's a heartbreaking fact they are forced to come to terms with, salt rubbed further into the wound by mothers who seem to see their children as a burden not blessing.

I feel for women who have it tough, I don't know how people seem to juggle things constantly and I don't know at the moment how to have the patience to be a mother. I know that this will come and I will learn (motherhood to me is not an automatically innate god given talent, it has to be learnt just like anything else) but at the moment I am not in the right place to have a child for so many reasons. I am however constantly at odds with my body. I have endometriosis. I don't know what the chances of me having children are, we won't know until we try and that won't be for a while but I keep thinking that I should bring it forward, I should try now because surely the sooner the better when it comes to the human body? Your ovaries are not the kind of things that you want to mature, they are no fine wine. What if I get to 32 and I find that I am barren, that I cannot have children and my future is not one of a combined DNA producing a brand new human being. Could I do that to Liam? Does he not have the right to pass his genes on and be called a father? We have discussed this at length and he has told me that no matter what happens, children or not, he will stay with me. Whether that is the case in 5 years is another matter.

This struggle between waiting for the right time and going purely on the biological has been made even more difficult by other people. The world seems to be invaded by babies at the moment, mother complaining of late nights and spit up and accidentally getting pregnant and I sit there and think but what if that's never going to be me? I know I can adopt, I would adopt, that's on the agenda anyway but it's not baring your own and it's not got all of those things that you expect from pregnancy and motherhood. It's hard for me because I want to sit there and tell these women off, tell them to stop moaning because they get to experience that and I might not. I get pain, crippling pain, as a reminder that I may not have a child every month I don't want to feel bad about the experiences everyone else gets to have and doesn't appreciate as well. I'm not going to lie, it hurts sometimes to think that could not be my fate. I'd love to be one of those juggling mothers who gets to come home each day and see their child asleep, happy and peaceful.

I think everyones got the right to moan, I own a blog I couldn't really argue, but I hope mums remember that some people aren't as lucky as them and if it came down to it they wouldn't swap their world for anything but there are so many who would.

BEDA 3: The tiny places between broken places.

Today I listened to the Moth blog and one of the stories was about a woman who lost control. She lost control of her life and of her mind, of everythings she knew, this got me thinking about a topic that is really quite important and extremely relevant to my life, mental health.

It's strange to write the phrase 'mental health' because it automatically conjures up an image in my head of a large thermometer style instrument that measures just how well you are doing in the happiness department. If such an instrument existed mental health would probably have a lot less stigma. It's been said numerous times that mental health is so difficult an illness to deal with because there are very few outward signs, people can function when depressed, they carry on existing and unless you really want to look you won't find what you need to. This is nothing new, many a blogger, doctor and writer has tried to convey this. That the battle going on beneath the surface can be far more terrifying than a broken arm.
Personally for me, it's JK Rowlings dementors in the Harry Potter series that represent depression in a very physical way(and no this is not just because I am a massive Harry fan, ok maybe a little to do with my JK fan girling but that's for another blog). The dementors that are meant to suck the happiness out of you, make you remember every bad memory and bit by bit turn you into a shell, eventually administering their kiss and leaving you empty. It is no surprise to me that I was truly terrified of the dementors when I first read the books and still now thinking of these creatures gives me shivers. I suppose I should be happy that the physical incarnations of this idea don't exist but for me, as for JK Rowling and many others, they do exist and the fight to find a happy enough memory to keep them at bay can be a daily struggle.

I can't remember the first time I felt truly depressed, it's always been there, lurking in the background of my life ready to leap out at any opportunity life presents it. This is not a woe is me story, I know that this is just part of who I am. When I asked my mother what I was like as a child she paused for quite some time and finally responded with the comment 'deep'. I've always been a thinker. Not in an 'I'm awesome and clever' kind of way but in a 'likely to analsye every single thing until my brain won't take it anymore' kind of way. It is not a surprise to my family that I have problems sleeping, when I was a child I would lay there in my bed and say goodnight in my head, I would start off with the normal ones, family, friends, pets but then I would worry that I'd left someone out, I would go on and on saying good night to the city, country, world, sky, stars, moon, sun (even though it had already gone to sleep way before me) and eventually universe and anything beyond that. I was terrified that someone would feel bad if I left them out of my goodnights, the ones I was saying in my head. I was about 5 when this happened. Around the same time I would also have overwhelming waves of panic that something was going to happen to my nan, to the point where I would crawl into her bed sobbing and shaking. Depression is part of what has made me who I am today. Would I wish for a life without it? Possibly but probably not. I would not have the people in my life who I have now. I may have scars but the connections mean more and will last longer than any pain from any razor could.

From Sylvia Plath to Elizabeth Wurtzel, from Kurt Cobain to Aaron Lewis and so many more depression is alive in writing and alive in the arts. So many of the songs that I relate to having sinister undertones, depression to me was interesting. Who wanted a cookie cutter life and I used to think that cookie cutter meant california moods. The sunshine disposition for me was bland and maybe that's why I gravitated towards the music, art and literature that I did but now, well now I'm realising that just because happiness doesn't have as many ups and downs as depression it is not the sunshine monotomous life that I envisinged. Happiness means you can enjoy things. It's that simple. It means that you don't feel bad about yourself and you don't want to hurt yourself or cut yourself off from other people. It means that rather than exist I can live.
I will always have to fight my own mind. I know this, it's something that I've accepted as part of my character but I've also accepted that I will come out of the otherside of these phases. I would love to say that suicidal thoughts won't cross my mind again but I can't make that assumption. I would like to assume that now I have the capabilities and support to ask for help. I don't think I'm that bad a person and as the story teller on the moth said today "the tiny place between broken places are filled with people's stories and that mosaic is strong". I am filled with the stories I've heard along the way, the people who trusted me enough to confide in me because they don't feel stupid talking to me. They know I've been there and I hear their stories like so many shining gems listened to mine.

BEDA 2: Stacey is already failing at this.

Day two of BEDA and I'm already thinking that I'm going to have to carry a note book with me everywhere because by the time I get home my brain has gone to mush and I am far too tired to create a cohesive paragraph. I think the problem lately with my inability to write is the fact that I am a night person. I like being up and about when the world is a little more quiet and the street lights shine bright. The night has always been a much more creative time for me, mornings go to fast meaning that I feel like I've lost half of my day before I really get going. However having a 'normal' job means doing 'normal' things at 'normal times'. Oh bah.

I don't know what to write. I was going to write about relationships but I can't seem to put into words exactly what I want to say at the moment. I want to talk about the importance of a stable relationship and how that's both new and wonderful to me apart from a few extra special gems that have been there all along. I just can't seem to get my words out. Things in my head don't seem to flow as easily anymore. This month I want to talk about a lot, I want to talk about my plans for the future, about Harry Potter, about music and what's going on in the world but today it doesn't seem to be coming. I am going to keep trying though and I'm hoping that by the end of the month I am able to at least write something I wouldn't mind reading myself. I think I'm going to have to plan it, that was never my old way of blogging but as I said that wasn't very good anyway and very much about my 'feelings' rather than anything of interest.

I also want to finish my book this month, that will also hopefully form part of BEDA as I would like to review it on here. The book is While you were sleeping and so far it's excellent, I enjoy mysteries and constantly trying to figure out the next move. I think that's what I shall go and do now. I am going to come in tomorrow and blog straight away with a cup of tea and actually make this something interesting. Ok, maybe not interesting but better than this. Ueh BEDA fail, well done if you're reading this and got all the way to here!

BEDA 1: Uh-Oh Spaghetti-O

The girl who hasn't blogged in over a year is going to attempt Blog Every Day in April. Smart move right? I do not have a clue what is possessing me to blog every day in this month of fools but I am going to give it a go. The problem is I don't love writing anymore. I don't find the same joy as I used to in putting down my thoughts on paper anymore, partly because I don't feel like I really have anything that interesting or different to say and partly because I'm no longer arrogant enough to think that anything I've written is any good. Long gone are the days where I thought that my writing would take me on a pretty short journey into the lands of 'proffessional writer' now I just see I was a 15 year old with big dreams and access to a blog. Now I'm in my mid twenties...with access to a blog.

The fact that I'm in my mid twenties is depressing and wonderful all at the same time. That 15 year old with the block colour blog would have been absolutely horrified to find that I'm working a 9-5 job with no prospects and shock horror no real purpose. I always dreamed of 'making a difference' and never just 'blending in' but now I look back at those sentiments and can't help but mock the very innocent 15 year old me. She never knew any better. I might do a blog to 15 year old me, god help me I'm going to need help getting through these next 30 days when I can't even concentrate long enough to read a magazine.

Being 25 has it's good point, I'm at a place in my life where I'm a little more settled and stable than I was. 10 years have certainly changed things when it comes to my mental state. I am no longer quite so inclined towards melancholy prose and third person suicide narratives. Now I tend to think more about the world that am in rather than only seeing what's in my small little bubble.

I like politics and I like Harry Potter, which is on now so I'm going to watch it. See, attention span erased!
Till tomorrow!